Turn About's Fair Play

Many people now know the way I feel about God and religion. Or, if you prefer, the "lack" of God and a complete disdain for organized religion with a penchant for morbidity. Look, I'll be perfectly honest: I'm on the fence about the whole "God" thing. I mean, come on, let's think about a few things: if there was some sort of cosmic micro chasm of sorts that took place in order for the Big Bang to transpire, where did this immensely dense amount of energy come from in the first place? Sure, science can (and has) theorized as to how all of this occurred, but in the end that is all they are: theories. At the end of the day, no one can say for certain whether or not "God" truly does exist. You will always have the atheists of the world battling against the believers of the world, because peace and harmony will never truly exist. I would love it if peace and love and harmony could prosper, but I'm also a cynical realist in that I don't see it happening, at least not anytime in the very near future or in my generation. Religion (and, more specifically, "God") has been the reason for more wars in any nation on the planet. In fact, I would say that on some primitive, subconscious level, each and every war that has ever been waged has been in the name of a higher being. This is my beef with organized religion. However, that really is not at all what this particular topic is about, although with knowing a little bit about my beliefs you can better understand my thought processes for the rest of this topic.

So, if not religion and God, then what controls everything? What controls the alignment of the planets in their elliptical orbits? What is it that determines what each and every one of us will become one day? Is it fate? Divine intervention? Perhaps it is something that no man, woman, or child will every be able to comprehend, but the question of what controls everything has haunted me for quite some time now, as I just recently became agnostic.

I have boiled it down into what i think is the simplest of terms, with the least amount of detail provided, while at the same time making sure everyone can understand what I'm saying. In order to delve completely into my psyche and understand my cognitive processes a bit more in depth, one would have to simply hang out with me and hear me speak my mind on subjects such as these. With all that being said, I will begin explaining how I feel, based on my learning of subjects such as quantum mechanics and other sciences,  what I feel controls the universe. I apologize beforehand if my explanation becomes a bit bleak of hard to follow. 

So, I'm sure many people have seen at least one movie in the Star Wars franchise. In case you aren't aware of what the Star Wars franchise is (and I would hope you know about it; Star Wars has been shoved down the American public's throat for nearly thirty years now), it's simply the story of the Skywalkers, more or less. Anakin, Padme (spelling?), Luke, Leia, and Yoda. There, now you know what Star Wars is, for the most part. Google it my friends if you're still slightly lost. Before going off on another tangent, I suppose it would be pertinent to explain why I mentioned Star Wars in the first place. You see, in the Star Wars franchise, the Jedi and the Sith both use what is known in the Star Wars Universe as "The Force". Now, for those who are really into Star Wars and how The Force can actually be applied in your own lives, check out a website called wookiepedia.org. There, you can search all about The Force and have it explained in great detail.

Basically, The Force is energy that flows through everyone and everything in the entire universe. It flows through every living creature and every inanimate object in the entire universe; The Force is literally woven into the fabric of the universe and galaxy itself. Now, it may sound crazy to some people, but many of the elements of George Lucas's Force are pretty congruent with many religions from around the world. In fact, also on wookiepedia.com you will find that Lucas actually invented many different "views" of The Force, or different "religions", if you will. Delving that far into Star Wars may seem superfluous, but when you stop and think about it, doesn't The Force actually make sense? Doesn't it kind of make sense, again basing many of these views on the theories of quantum mechanics, that we are literally a tiny part of the universe that actually created us in the first place? Doesn't it make sense that we each have this energy flowing through us, that connects us all? Have you ever had deja vu, and wondered why the situation seems so familiar to you? Could it be, perhaps, that through this invisible "Force", you are having a similar situation to someone who possibly lived before you? Because even after we die, our bodies would basically, metaphorically, meld back into the very fabric of space itself. Or, if you believe the multi-verse theory, you could be experiencing the same situation as someone in another dimension and universe altogether. This, I believe, is what made life about the universes in the first place. Of course, I do not wish to oversell the "Force" idea, I'm merely giving  pop culture example with which to help aid myself in describing my beliefs.

In the end, I believe "The Force" and karma are pretty compatible. Think about it: if this energy is flowing through each of us, there has to be a "negative" (or evil) energy and an equally powerful "positive" (or good) energy. Because of this, every action we take has, in congruence with popular science, an equal reaction. Because of this, everything we do affects something, or someone, somewhere on the planet or in our universe. Sure, perhaps we cannot always see the results of our deeds, but they are most definitely there, I can assure you. So, does that mean that there may, after all, be some sort of truth to the old cliche "what comes around goes around", or "turn about's fair play"? Well, yes, according to this method of thinking. It is entirely possible that if you are a jackass for most of your life, you will only receive bad luck and misfortune. In the end, anyways. When if you use enough "positive" energy, you can make it to where you have enough "good karma" so that everything that happens to you will be positive and beneficial.

Right off a cliff

How would you like your suicide to take place? Many people claim they wish to die, but have you actually sat and thought about the "perfect suicide"? Perfect based on your perceptions and opinions, of course. If you haven't then I would imagine this article will probably not be for you, because we are going to discuss suicide.

For those of you who do have wonderful lives and are not depressed all the time because of your menial existence, then good for you. I am very proud of you, as I wish to one day become this same type of person. I wish I could be "normal" like you, and enjoy a nice sunset completely sober without wishing what that particular sunset would look like with my eyes rolling into the back of my head, eyes already starting to bulge from lack of oxygen. I can imagine my brain and the rest of my other vital organs all gradually going to sleep and shutting off for the final time. I sometimes sit and ponder what it would be like to imagine drawing air into my lungs for the final time, before I let out my final eternal breath.

Then beyond that? What lies beyond the unknown? Let's be honest for a moment here: we can all talk a big game when it comes to how big and bad our religion is, but in the end none of us knows for certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what happens to you once you're no longer alive. I mean, is my life really so pathetic and depressing that I would be willing to stake those odds, be willing to tread the waters of that particular abyss? What lies beyond our mortality? Shall I forever live in infamy? There are several questions that can haunt the person who is contemplating suicide, but one of the biggest problems I have found with most who are suicidal is they aren't open enough about it. Do I think about suicide? The thought of death creeps into my head on an almost daily basis. Does that mean I am going to commit suicide? Well, as of right now I cannot answer that one for sure. I can tell you that I have contemplated quite a bit, and for quite some time. Perhaps I am just waiting for the right moment; perhaps I've just been too busy here recently to bother with petty, nonsensical thoughts that in the end don't really change the direction of my day anyways.

So why aren't people more open about their suicidal thoughts and tendencies? Why is it that those with clinical depression feel ostracized from the rest of society? Is it that we merely glance around and observe happy people going on about their daily struggle, putting their proverbial "nose" to the old grindstone, and we don't want to feel "abnormal"? It can't be that, because when a normal person looks around they see something very similar to hatred, distress, corruption, violence, misogyny, racism, war, etc. The clinically depressed mind views these exact same things, albeit in probably a much different way. We realize that we aren't the only ones out there in mental or emotional distress. We realize all the terrible happenings going on in the world. Perhaps that's why we don't talk about our death wishes: we feel that talking about it while everyone else is going through the same thing makes us sound too damn "whiny" or immature, therefore we prefer to keep our thoughts to ourselves. Maybe it could be that we don't wish to feel more ostracized from society than we already are. Maybe we feel that deep down, if we only speak about suicide and never actually come up with a plan, people won't take us seriously. A metaphorical "boy who cried wolf" kind of incident.

Regardless of the reasons, many people do not wish to speak openly about their depressed feelings, or why they no longer wish to live. Society has deemed people who think about the morbid as "abnormal", and there isn't much that's going to change that. The facts are, though, that many Americans suffer from clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Could this be the government's way of trying to brainwash us? We'll get into that in another article, but facts are still facts, and science is still science; Americans have depression problems.

So if so many people are depressed and thinking the same suicidal thoughts that you are thinking if you have contemplated suicide, then why aren't more people openly expressing their feelings and emotions? Deep down, we all still feel abnormal and self-conscious about these thoughts, no matter how "normal" they feel to us. This is why people do not want to speak openly about it, more than likely anyways.

But I want to challenge you to think about it more often. Question whether or not suicide would actually be a good idea. Write something down to express how you're feeling whenever you get into those "weird" moods that we've all been through. Are you not sure you have clinical depression? Why not consult a professional? But before all that, be open about your thoughts. I myself have a hard time saying anything "seriously" about clinical depression or suicide around people I'm not very comfortable with, but with my close friends I am most definitely open about my tendencies and thoughts. One thing I found that helped me was to write out my "perfect" suicide. If you wish to read that particular story, read "Requiem" on my page. Right off a cliff, that's how I wish to die. Hearing the wind whipping through my hair, witnessing the beauty of nature right before I take my final breath, I feel it would be a euphoria that nothing could compare to. Envisioning it in my own head gives me goosebumps. My perfect suicide...requiem.

I challenge each of you to think about a "perfect storm" of sorts. A beauty so grand and wonderful to you that nothing else can compare; no euphoria from the strongest of drugs, or the buzz of some of the finest wine could compare to this beautiful portrait in your mind. This is where it should take place for you...if thinking about it gives you goosebumps, you've probably envisioned your "perfect suicide". Now, write it down; it helps for the sake of your sanity and well-being.

Mutilation

Deep down my world is black
Because you decided to turn your back
And now my mind cannot be saved
For this twisted road's been paved
Straight to hell I shall go
And then you shall truly know

How much you meant to me
Baby it's plain to see
There's nothing like darkness
In your bleeding heart

Only you could tear out my soul
And leave behind a blackhole
No one else could die with me
And be remembered with as much infamy
Now I'll slit my wrists and destroy my brain
Because the punishment is worse than the emotional pain

You meant so much to me
Baby it's plain to see
There's nothing like darkness
In your bleeding heart

In the depths of the darkness I shall find
My very own gouge to make my eyes blind
Because I don't want to see you again
For your deeds are punishable on death, worse than sin
I'll draw this final breath into my soul
Before I wind up in my own personal death hole

You meant so much to me
Baby it's plain to see
There's nothing like darkness
In your bleeding heart

You've torn me apart
Torn me asunder
Now I'll die quietly,
Be six feet under

I no longer want to live
I only wish for death
With you in my arms
My life I would give

You meant so much to me
Baby it's plain to see
There's nothing like darkness
In your bleeding heart